FOX MULDER
We watched The X-Files for the A+ storytelling and stayed for Special Agent Fox Mulder. As much a babe as his first name suggests, he’s obsessed with the idea that there are legit aliens out there. Somehow, we’re able to look past the bad 90s haircuts and weirdly cut jeans to see the essence of the dude: and we really, really like what we see. A realistic date with Fox? Probably tagging along to some remote Pacific Northwest roadside hotel while he goes out to investigate UFOs. Sounds like the life to us.
MORRISSEY
As the only real, breathing person on this list, we’re obsessed with Steven Patrick Morrissey and all he represents. As if being part of The Smiths (only one of the greatest bands ever to grace this planet) wasn’t enough, Morrissey’s a great example of why a solo career isn’t necessarily a bad idea. We love his deep lyrics and obsession with romantic poetry. The fact that he mostly identifies as asexual is no deterrent for us, though we can’t say we can imagine what date night would look with him. Might involve reading Byron out loud, though.
JIM HALPERT
As The Office‘s resident teddy bear and master prankster, Jim earned major points with viewers and TV co-workers alike for his personality and oversized sense of humor. His pining for co-worker Pam paid off in the end, but we can surely say that if we worked at Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch, we’d have made it official much earlier. We can only dream that a date with Jim would be planning out his next prank on an unsuspecting Dwight Schrute.
JOSH LUCAS
“Hey brainiac.” When Cher Horowitz fell in love with her ex-stepbrother Josh, so did America. Look, Josh is smart, driven and he cares about the environment—what’s not to love here? We also can’t get enough of his 90s style. Our dream date with Josh would include dancing (because he’s amazing at it) and a roll of home-baked cookies, which we know he would appreciate (unlike some of our other misdirected love interests).
MAX FISCHER
Max Fischer is our Rushmore, ok? We love Max because he’s hopelessly devoted to a school that ultimately rejects him (and a teacher that’s just a little too old for him.) He’s too involved with worthy hobbies like beekeeping and kite flying to keep his grades up, but we know that’s no reflection of his intelligence! Dates would probably take the form of play practice or a chess game on school grounds, and that’s totally OK with us.
HAROLD (of Harold and Maude)
Morbid and macabre, Harold takes the cake for “creepy” dream boyfriends—and we wouldn’t have it any other way. As long as he promises not to fake any suicides on our behalf, we’re gold. Our dream date? Strolling the California coastline with banjo in tow, of course.
NED (of Pushing Daisies)
Why is Ned the perfect boyfriend? Let us count the ways: he bakes amazing pies, solves mysteries and can bring dead things back to life–oh, and he looks damn good in a black tee. We’d never have to leave the comfort of his shop, The Pie Hole, for a date. Never stop feeding us your baked creations and we promise to never stray!
ZOOEY GLASS
He’s outwardly kind of mean, but we know the youngest member of the Glass family actually has a heart of gold. Whip-smart, dryly hilarious and, as described by big brother Buddy, rather handsome, we love imagining this literary character as a real dude that we’d totally date. A dream outing? Actually, we’d never have to leave his family’s Manhattan apartment, as long as he promises to regale us with stories of his large, nutty brood.
Franny & Zooey, $6.29 at The Strand Bookstore.
ROMEO (as portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio)
Leonardo DiCaprio in his late-90s heyday, need we say more? We could spend our dates planning how to make peace between our families–or just night-swimming at a historic outdoor pool.
JASON “J.D.” DEAN
Sure, we learned in Heathers that he’s technically a sociopath, but we can’t help but fall for this smart aleck outsider. Our dates would hopefully be normal (like drinking convenience store slushies and talking about how much the suburbs suck) instead of, you know, planning the demise of our classmates.
Images: WENN.
